I am told that our love was very unique, I just thought it was normal. As mother and daughter we faced everything you could ever imagine.
We thought we could deal with anything and everything.
We thought we could conquer all, the mighty warriors! Well this was beyond our control and it was in the hands of the Almighty.
Romans 8:37 But in all these we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.
Cancer! Colon cancer to be exact!
What a word, it kills not only the body but also your Spirit! Only If you let it.
When this first began, you think, ok, where do I go from here? Then the why, then when is this over. I never in a million years would of thought my mom or any of us would ever have to face this. Here was a woman that faced enough adversity in a lifetime, why again?
I saw so many blessings and some destruction come from this, but my little eyes can only see such a minute’ part of what this has done in so many lives. God's plan is much bigger then I could ever see. WE should only take our part as He wants us to, don't try to look at the WHOLE picture, sometimes it is too frightening. Take your part as HE has chosen for you, and ask for guidance EVERY step of the way.
"Psalms 118 : 27-29 God is the LORD, which hath shewed us light; bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the alter.
Thou art my God, and I will praise thee; thou art my God, I will exalt thee
O give thanks unto the LORD, for He is good; for His mercy endureth for ever.
In me it broke a Spirit …and it has brought forth-another one. I have become a prayer warrior and an encourager. Who would have ever thought?
As I drove home from her funeral, I thought how empty I was feeling, and wondered if this was ever going to end." Well to this day, that emptiness remains....but not to that extreme. There is a loneliness that remains for her.
MY life changed drastically, I gained 10 years over night. A strength that I never had before has replaced some of the loss. I just now started to grieve her!
I have been praising the Lord since the day she died and now I am grieving my loss…the empty feeling, the missing her terribly
And so much more that comes with it
I can not begin to describe what we had together, what an impact she has had on my life and how she continues to do so.
Have you ever heard that song, "what a difference you made in my life", well that was her!
If you would of met her you would of felt the same way
We were a lot alike and very much different, if that makes sense. We each had a different style.
I often think about what she use to tell me, when you turn 40 we will be really close. Not that we weren’t close now, but close in spirit. I always took offense to that, what daughter wouldn’t. <smile> Telling me, if only you would grow up!!!! <smile> I know now, two years later what she meant.
I know she saw a glimpse of it before she left. I remember one of the nights, while staying with her, there is one night that stands out, we were lying in bed, and I could do nothing but cry. She said, "Stop shaking the bed, if you don’t stop that crying we are going to have to change the sheets. And you know that I have no strength for that".
She told me she was sorry, for not crying with me, but if she allowed herself too, that she would NEVER stop. This was so painful for her and I.
Being the daughter, I could not help myself, her, the mom, felt it her duty NOT to cry, but to be strength for me as always!
I thought I had seen it all until this.
Our lives as mother and daughter were now coming to end, yes they live on in memories. Hard to believe that your mom, someone who you look to as a tower of steel, was now so fragile and withering away. I think that tells you a lot of how much I looked up to her and admired her for the strength she had right up until the end.
Maybe that was not the healthiest kind of relationship to have with a human, but that is what I knew then.
NOW I see that some of it was not.
"Romans 12:2 And do not be c0nformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the Will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."
As time went by after her death, I know now, who I was to be looking to, and often looked right past HIM. It was Our Savior. He is our Tower of STEEL!! Our ROCK and OUR SALVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I look to HIM FOR ALL THINGS, like I did her.
So I guess with all that I did learn and it was through her.
I love you Mom and you are still teaching me through your journals.